Dear Kayla,
For me, I needed to go through a very long process to learn how to learn. I was never very good at processing information I learned at school or otherwise. I could memorize the information but not apply it. There were many interventions I needed to address this. I will be writing about some of them here.
Often, the first step to making changes or learning is to examine your attitude. I was bringing some bad habits into my work without even being aware of it. I needed to look very closely at the details of what I was doing and try to find patterns or beliefs which were harmful. Often they were routines which I had never questioned. But they were holding me back from learning or doing tasks well.
Once I identified thought patterns or attitudes which I needed to change, I address that head-on. The first day or first session I would concentrate only on changing my thoughts and attitudes. And only that. I would not try to do anything differently. I would just focus on going through the day or the session thinking differently.
Sometimes I needed to do that for more sessions. It depended on the task. When I was used to thinking differently, eventually I would start to see different ideas and patterns. At which point I would give the same advice I keep giving to you and Tony: Start small. Find what small things you can and fix them. In reality, there are very few big things out there. What looks big from a distance is often really about five thousand small steps.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
11/13/11
Dear Kayla,
One critical piece you are probably thinking about is becoming more involved in your community. That is a great step, a critically important one for many people. That also means you need to be very careful.
I would recommend starting very slowly. For most people, I would suggest starting with volunteer work. Think about what you do well and what you enjoy doing in your day-to-day life. Could you bring those skills into a role which could help other people? Don't worry about a job right now. Just think about what you can and can not do. Working or volunteering is demanding and straining enough by itself. It is likely to be overwhelming if you are not familiar or comfortable with the job.
Also try to imagine where you have failed or succeeded in the past. Are any of those conditions still in place today? If so, you will need to honor them. When people are starting out, they often don't have much flexibility. Do you need to limit work to a few hours a day or a few days a week? Are you able to regularly work in the early morning or afternoon or evening? Again, those issues could be problematic at first.
Do the best you can. I know the current economy has limited most peoples' choices. But you need to decide which of these issues is most important and push for that. That is an individual decision which no one else can make for you. You cannot completely subvert your own needs to your employer's for very long.
One critical piece you are probably thinking about is becoming more involved in your community. That is a great step, a critically important one for many people. That also means you need to be very careful.
I would recommend starting very slowly. For most people, I would suggest starting with volunteer work. Think about what you do well and what you enjoy doing in your day-to-day life. Could you bring those skills into a role which could help other people? Don't worry about a job right now. Just think about what you can and can not do. Working or volunteering is demanding and straining enough by itself. It is likely to be overwhelming if you are not familiar or comfortable with the job.
Also try to imagine where you have failed or succeeded in the past. Are any of those conditions still in place today? If so, you will need to honor them. When people are starting out, they often don't have much flexibility. Do you need to limit work to a few hours a day or a few days a week? Are you able to regularly work in the early morning or afternoon or evening? Again, those issues could be problematic at first.
Do the best you can. I know the current economy has limited most peoples' choices. But you need to decide which of these issues is most important and push for that. That is an individual decision which no one else can make for you. You cannot completely subvert your own needs to your employer's for very long.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
11/1/11
Dear Kayla,
I want to write a little bit about taking responsibility.
Most people say it is essential. I agree. Taking responsibility for your life and your treatment is critical. You cannot improve in the long-term relying totally on others. While most people are well-meaning and may be able to help you, no one totally and perfectly understands you and your life. No one can completely understand another person; we are far too complicated for that. Add to that that these well-meaning people may die, retire, or have a crisis of their own, and you will see the need to learn to rely on yourself.
Taking responsibility is a very strong, powerful concept. Like most powerful concepts it has some dangerous applications. Some people use it too broadly as an answer to everything. The assumption seems to be if a person accepts responsibility s/he will immediately achieve enlightenment.
Second, and more troublesome, defining your responsibility can be difficult at first. One trait I had growing up — which I later read was common in disturbed children — is that I held myself responsible for everything that went wrong, including the weather.
For me, the first real step to taking responsibility is therefore to define what I was and was not reasonably responsible for. As I just said, that was not easy. I finally learned to start with what I already knew. I made two columns in my mind: One for things I was clearly responsible for and the other for things I was clearly not responsible for. At first I could only categorize the clear-cut black and white; the rest I ignored. As I grew more used to those two categories, I started to interpret more shades of gray.
I have found that general technique to be useful much of the time. In order to make sense of something, I generally categorize the two clear-cut extremes. Once I have done that, I am gradually able to understand more complicated and nuanced issues.
Good luck.
I want to write a little bit about taking responsibility.
Most people say it is essential. I agree. Taking responsibility for your life and your treatment is critical. You cannot improve in the long-term relying totally on others. While most people are well-meaning and may be able to help you, no one totally and perfectly understands you and your life. No one can completely understand another person; we are far too complicated for that. Add to that that these well-meaning people may die, retire, or have a crisis of their own, and you will see the need to learn to rely on yourself.
Taking responsibility is a very strong, powerful concept. Like most powerful concepts it has some dangerous applications. Some people use it too broadly as an answer to everything. The assumption seems to be if a person accepts responsibility s/he will immediately achieve enlightenment.
Second, and more troublesome, defining your responsibility can be difficult at first. One trait I had growing up — which I later read was common in disturbed children — is that I held myself responsible for everything that went wrong, including the weather.
For me, the first real step to taking responsibility is therefore to define what I was and was not reasonably responsible for. As I just said, that was not easy. I finally learned to start with what I already knew. I made two columns in my mind: One for things I was clearly responsible for and the other for things I was clearly not responsible for. At first I could only categorize the clear-cut black and white; the rest I ignored. As I grew more used to those two categories, I started to interpret more shades of gray.
I have found that general technique to be useful much of the time. In order to make sense of something, I generally categorize the two clear-cut extremes. Once I have done that, I am gradually able to understand more complicated and nuanced issues.
Good luck.
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